We pause this blog for late-breaking news out of ElixirConf 2015.
José Valim: The most dangerous man in language design?
Austin, TX: Serial deprecator José Valim struck again this weekend, claiming four more victims in his ongoing campaign of “simplification.”
In a shocking speech in front of a crowd of over 250 people, Valim vowed to take out no less than four data structures in the Elixir language. HashSet, HashDict, Set, and Dict would be the next to go.
Gasps of horror and outrage could be heard throughout the room, as tables filled with functional fiends quickly bolted to their laptops, loaded up Github, and made a mad dash to convert their code into Maps.
“What did HashSet ever do to you?” cried one coder in Valim’s direction as he git branched the hell out of his project.
One witness, who preferred to remain anonymous, wondered if there was an ulterior motive. “Dude, remember when Apple took out Google Maps? We didn’t have a good set of driving directions for weeks. What if he moves Maps now to a paid edition of Elixir? What if only the biggest corporations could afford Maps?”
Another, even more hysterical user who claimed proficiency in Phoenix despite not knowing any Elixir, said, “We need to ask ourselves now, what will we do if Valim comes for Maps next? Resort to structs?”
When this reporter pointed out that structs were a type of map, the anonymous commenter quickly sputtered and walked away, mumbling something about, “Action Cable is the future…” before being taken out by four burly Elixir fans with overgrown beards.
Some wondered whether this was already old news, or if Valim had engaged in a bit of inside information trading. Rumors quickly spread that Dave Thomas and Moose didn’t attend the conference at the last minute because they were too busy getting a jumpstart on rewriting “Programming Elixir.”
Saša Jurić and Benjamin Tan Wei Hao could not be reached for comment. Likely, they were already rewriting.
We asked the Erlang core team what they thought of this news. In a prepared statement, they answered, “It took us 30 friggin’ years to come up with a map. The biggest thing we’ve deprecated lately was a random function, and even that took years of debate. This Valim kid needs to slow down.”
No word yet as to whether the local Austin police department would respond to the complaints made immediately to 911 regarding this development. But since no deprecation has technically yet been made, and “Minority Report”-style precognition doesn’t yet exist, it’s questionable whether a crime has actually been committed.
“It’s hate speech, pure and simple,” declared the one HashSet user later in the afternoon, as tears poured down his face while rewriting his chat app to use Maps.
The world of Elixir is in an unsteady place tonight, as its legions of fans board planes to take them back home, wondering who might be next. Range lovers, in particular, could be seen looking over their shoulder as they exited the Norris Conference Center, the fear evident in their voice over what Valim might do at ElixirConf 2016…
Only time will tell.
:calendar will tell. Elixir still has no Time or Date library.